12 Jan 5 of the Most Comforting Things Ever Said to Someone Who’s Grieving

It cannot be overstated that the grieving process is a universal experience–one that every human goes through to one degree or another when he loses someone he loves. But it’s further never overstated that the very universal experience of grieving is an extremely personal one. Though there are some general similarities in the kinds of emotions and mental processes that take place along the grief journey, no two people will respond to the loss of a loved one in exactly the same way.

But perhaps one of the more universal pieces to the journey is the longing for comfort experienced by those who are grieving. Maybe that’s what makes grief so difficult to endure at times: the need for comfort against a backdrop of pain that results from a loss of comfort–the comfort we felt from our loved ones, from the influence they had on our lives, from simply being in their presence. In fact, one of the eventual accomplishments we hope to enjoy along the grief journey is a resurgence of that comfort feeling as we begin to accept the loss of our loved ones and learn how to move forward in acceptance of, not in spite of, our loss.

And part of what helps us move toward that acceptance is the goodness of those around us–those who care and are willing to walk along the journey with us without judging, without preaching, without minimizing our feelings and without expecting anything from us. It’s the comforting words shared with us by someone who cares that can help us get through those really tough days–those kind words that become seared into our minds so that we can draw on them for years to come. Here are 8 of the most heartfelt and comforting things we’ve heard so far.

1. “I’d like to come and stay with you for a few days.”  The day after my mother passed away in 1997, I called my best friend Alice, who lived 800 miles away. Our families had known each other since long before Alice and I were born, and she was one of the first people I wanted to tell. Not only did she jump on the next plane to Dallas so she could attend my mother’s funeral service, but once she got to my house, she let me know she’d be staying for a few days. What a comfort. What a relief. Someone would be there–not only at the service, but in the difficult days afterward. There’s no way I could have known how much I would need the comfort of her presence over those next several days, and even now, when I think back over her selfless offer to stay, I still have that warm, comforting feeling.
2. “You’re not crazy.”  If you’re in the midst of the grief journey, you may already find comfort in just reading these words. If we’re honest, this journey can bring about feelings, thoughts and attempts at rationalizing that originate in our minds but make little sense to us or to our scenario. And those this is completely normal, when it’s happening, it can make us feel like we’re losing our minds, like we’re crazy, like there’s something wrong with us. But nothing could be further from the truth, and hearing from someone else that we aren’t crazy, that our thoughts and questions and feelings are perfectly normal, can bring an immense amount of comfort indeed.
3. “Be as good to yourself as you are to everyone else.”  Though the grief journey is very personal, it’s often ourselves that we care for least along the way. Hearing from another that we have permission to take care of ourselves, to be good to ourselves, can be just what we need at a time when it can be difficult to do so.
4. “We don’t have to talk; I’m here for you.”  What a relief . . . what a comfort to have a friend or family member offer to be with us in our time of need without expecting us to be upbeat, cheerful or even verbal at all. Maybe that’s some of the pressure we put on ourselves. Maybe we have a few friends who might actually expect that a visit with us would be wrought with tantalizing conversation. Either way, it’s certainly nice to hear those words: “We don’t have to talk; you don’t have to say or do anything. I’m here for you, not the other way around.” Quite comforting, indeed.
5. “I’ll never forget your [mother, father, aunt, etc.] because of what he/she meant to me.”  Sweeter words might not have been heard. The comfort and even spark of joy that might be brought to us by the memories shared with us about our loved ones could be just what gets us through the day–maybe even the week. Not quite ready to hear some of those memories? That’s ok too. Ask your friend to write down his or her thoughts about your loved one. Then read them when you are ready. No matter what, it’s comforting to know that someone else remembers our loved ones and thinks upon them fondly.

Have you been encouraged by the words of a friend or family member along your journey? What words would you share today with someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one?