30 Jul 4 Ways to Reach Out to Someone with a Terminal Illness

When someone we care about is diagnosed with a life-limiting illness, we can find ourselves at a loss for words. Sometimes we want to say something to express our love, but we don’t want to upset the one we care for so much. We’d like to show our love by reaching out to our loved one, but we don’t know the best way to approach the situation. It’s a tough place to be—caught between wanting to acknowledge our loved one’s news and express our love for them and wanting to be sure we don’t upset the situation further. What’s the best approach? Try one or more of the following 4 ideas when reaching out to your terminally-ill loved one and see which approach is best for your situation.

Make yourself available.

This is perhaps the most important thing to remember when dealing with a loved one who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Oftentimes, just knowing that people care and are willing to be there helps a patient in his journey. Try to avoid saying things like, “let me know if you need anything.” This is an open-ended statement and depends upon your loved one’s willingness to ask you when they need something, which can be difficult for many people to do. Instead, make specific offers, such as “can I run some errands for you?” or “could I bring dinner to you and your family tomorrow night?”

Let your loved one lead the conversation.

People often assume that those dealing with a terminal illness don’t want to discuss it at all. While this is true of some people, other people are hungry for the opportunity to talk about their illness, their feelings and even the wishes they hope can be fulfilled before and after their death. Allow your loved one the freedom to talk about—or decline to talk about—his illness. Your role is more that of listener than of talker. When your loved one feels like talking, he will most assuredly benefit from an active and involved listener.

Work to maintain normalcy if that is important to your loved one.

Sometimes patients facing a terminal illness find great comfort in keeping things as “normal” as possible, even in light of their diagnoses. This can mean different things to different people. It might mean that the patient wants to continue doing things he did before his diagnosis. If doing those things is within the patient’s abilities and not harmful to him, reach out to him by making sure those things can still take place for him. If he’s an avid gardener, take time to ensure he has what he needs to continue gardening for as long as he can. If he’s a sports fan, talk with him about the upcoming game—who does he think is in the running for Super Bowl fame? Keeping things normal for your loved one can bring him comfort and help him to process his feelings on his own, in his own time before talking about them with others.

Encourage your loved one to share stories.

A meaningful exercise for patients facing a life-limiting illness is called life review. Looking back over one’s life is a common practice for people in their later years. It is also common among patients dealing with a terminal illness—whether consciously or subconsciously. Many people find it helpful to reflect on their lives and recall joyous times, as well as times that may not have been so joyous. The goal of a life review is for a patient to find value in having lived life. It can also bring up things in a person’s life that may need to be addressed, such as an unresolved conflict with another person. Addressing an unresolved issue can bring peace to the patient as he nears the end of life.

If your loved one is so inclined, help him with the life review process. Many patients and their loved ones find it meaningful to write down memories and stories in notebooks or to make audiotapes or videotapes of or with the patient—if it is what he wants. Assisting with the life review process can be as simple as helping the patient recall significant and special times in his lives. Remember to listen more than you speak and allow your loved one to lead the conversation.