17 Dec 6 Dos and Don’ts for Celebrating the Holidays After a Loss

The holidays can be a difficult time of year if you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one. At times, you might be tempted to forgo a celebration completely–isolating yourself from family and friends who care about you. But before making such a decision that may only make you feel more sad and lonely, consider these dos and don’ts for coping with loss during the holiday season.

DO talk with family and friends about your feelings.

Talking with your loved ones, whether friends or family members, can take some of the burden of loss off your shoulders, even if temporarily. Allow those who care about you to do exactly that–care for you during this difficult time. Most everyone who has experienced a loss understands that the holidays can be difficult following a loss. For this reason, many of your loved ones stand ready to help you during this season. If you’re struggling, let a trusted friend or family member know about those struggles. Be honest and upfront with someone about what you need, what your concerns are and what you hope for the holiday. No matter what, don’t isolate yourself and bottle up your feelings. Most people want to help; they may not know how to begin that conversation or they may fear upsetting you. Often, if you can make the first move, a willing loved one can take it from there.

DON’T try to be a martyr.

The loss you have experienced is real, as are the feelings surrounding that loss. You don’t have to pretend it didn’t happen or that you aren’t hurting. Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. You don’t have to have all the answers or keep yourself completely composed at every moment of the day. The holidays are difficult for most people who have lost a loved one. That’s because the holidays are often a time when loved ones gather together to celebrate and be with one another. This makes it painfully noticeable when a loved one is no longer there. There is an empty seat at the table, an empty chair, an empty place setting. Loss is universal and so is grief. Don’t put the expectation on yourself to be “strong enough” to act like all is well.

DO enjoy your time, but don’t use alcohol to numb your pain.

If you usually celebrate the holidays with a festive holiday drink, there is no reason to keep yourself from doing so, but be sure that you aren’t using alcohol to take away the emotional pain you’re going through. Be sure that if you do enjoy a drink, to do so moderately and not in an effort to address your pain or escape your thoughts and memories. Doing so can be habit-forming and will only lead to negative outcomes.

DON’T be too hard on yourself if you feel sad during what is usually a happy time.

It’s normal to feel sad after the loss of a loved one. Depending on how recent your loss was, you may be feeling a combination of different emotions. No matter what you’re feeling, you’re normal. You may not feel very “merry” during your family celebration. On the other hand, you may find yourself at ease as you take a break from your grieving to enjoy quality time with your family and friends. Regardless of your scenario, don’t be hard on yourself if your feelings don’t line up with what you expected. Grief and loss–though universal–are highly personal experiences.

DO allow yourself to relax and have an enjoyable experience.

If you are able to give your mind and your heart a break–to relax and take things easy, even for a moment–don’t allow yourself to feel guilty or to feel otherwise badly for being able to do so. Grief can be a difficult journey, and a tiring, exhausting one as well. Being surrounded by family and friends during the holiday season can provide a much needed comfort for you in which you are able to take a deep breath, relax and maybe even take a break for a moment from your heavy thoughts. Allow yourself this opportunity. Taking a break doesn’t mean you aren’t grieving or that you’re no longer saddened by your loss. Allowing yourself a mental and emotional–if you’re able to do so–can afford you some quality time with family and friends, while allowing those loved ones to reach out to you and offer comfort.

DO allow some time to remember your loved one in a meaningful way.

Carve out a few minutes during your day to honor your loved one’s memory. You may choose to light a candle in honor of your loved one. Perhaps you will choose to look at a few photos of your loved one with others, say a few words about him or her, and even shed a tear. Whatever is meaningful to you, do that to honor and remember your loved one. And try your best to think about how grateful you are for the times you had together, rather than focusing on your loved one’s absence. You will come away from your celebration feeling more complete, more whole and your spirits might even be lifted, and who couldn’t use that?