08 Jan How Can I Reach Out to Someone who’s Experienced a Tragedy?

Tragedies, by definition, are sorrowful, difficult and negative things that take place with little to no warning. They often render those affected by them speechless, shocked and devastated. And devastation can be a very difficult emotion to overcome. Tragedies that result in the loss of life are even more difficult to process and navigate.

If you know someone who’s experienced a tragic loss, whether recently or years ago, it’s easy to find yourself wondering how you can reach out to him or her. How can you best support that person as he or she walks along the grief journey? What can you say? What can you do that might be helpful or comforting?

No matter what tragedy has befallen someone you care about, it can be extremely difficult–and even stressful–to attempt to determine the best way to reach out to him or her so that he or she knows you’re available and that you want to be supportive. But you don’t want to give the appearance of being aloof or uncaring, so what are you to do? Here are a few suggestions that we hope will help you show care and support to your friend, family member or co-worker.

Don’t be afraid to reach out. And then reach out again.

The first thing to remember is this: even if you aren’t sure what to say or do, don’t let that keep you from reaching out in some way. When tragedy strikes, those affected are often inundated with calls, texts and other gestures of condolences in the beginning. It can be overwhelming for those who are grieving. But as the days go on, two things often happen: first, those who are grieving find comfort as they look back on the initial outpouring of concern and love they’ve been shown, and second, things often become alarmingly quiet. That’s because while many people show their love and concern in extending condolences initially, many only reach out that one time–during the same time in which others are reaching out too. But after a few days or a few weeks, those not personally affected by the tragedy easily slip back into their respective lives and often don’t realize the importance of reaching out again.

Many people who experience a tragic loss feel isolated and alone in their pain after the funeral or memorial service is held and the phone calls and texts dissipate or disappear altogether. For this reason, it’s important to make that initial contact to convey your love, your concern and your condolences, but it’s even more important  to make it a point to reach out again days later, weeks later, a month later, so that your loved one knows you care and doesn’t feel completely alone in his or her grief.

Offer to help in specific ways.

It’s easy and common to reach out to others and offer help by saying things like, “Let us know if you need anything” or “If there’s any way I can help, please let me know.” But someone who has just experienced a tragic loss–or loss of any kind–may simply be too overwhelmed by his or her feelings of grief and shock to even know what to ask for. Instead of conveying an open-ended offer of help that requires the bereaved to make contact and present a request, try instead to be specific when offering support and help.

Try saying things like, “I’d like to bring dinner to your family on Wednesday evenings for the next few weeks” or “Can I babysit your kids while you focus on making arrangements with your family?” When you make a specific offer to help someone who is grieving, he or she is no longer required to decide what needs to be done and then contact you to ask for help. After all, some people already have a difficult time asking for help and may never do so if it’s left up to them.

Be present. Be there. And listen.

Throughout the grief journey, those who’ve experienced loss often find themselves just needing to talk. They need someone who will just listen. They may not even want someone to respond or have the answers or offer insight. There are times for those things as well, but during those times when someone you care about just needs a listening ear, someone to sit with them in the silence or someone to direct their thoughts to out loud, you can play a vital role by just being those things. Just be there–physically present and willingly available. And just listen. The comfort this can bring to someone who is grieving is astounding.

Refrain from saying these things.

While you want to be there for someone who has experienced a tragic loss, you don’t want to say things that will only serve to cause more pain for him or her. Saying things like, “I’m sorry for your loss,” “I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers,” “this must be so difficult for you” and “I love you” conveys your concern. But there are some things that should never befall the ears of a person who is grieving, even if those things are said with the best of intentions. Be determined to refrain from saying the following:

• “I know how you’re feeling.”  You may have experienced loss as well, but the loss of a loved one is very personal and often means vastly different things to different people. Even though this comment seems empathetic in nature, it can actually be offensive to those who are grieving as it can be received as a downplaying of his or her loss, grief and feelings. A more appropriate thing to say is “If you want to talk, I’m here for you.”
• “He/she is in a better place.”  This statement, though delivered with good intentions, can come off as condescending, aloof or uncaring. Instead, try acknowledging that the bereaved person is experiencing pain and reassure him or her that this is normal.
• “I don’t know what I would do if my [parent, spouse, sibling, friend, etc.] died.”  This statement may be true for you, but it will offer no comfort to the person who is grieving. This statement also tends to offer the sentiment of “I’m glad it didn’t happen to me.” Remember that when someone is grieving, he or she often experiences various strong emotions almost simultaneously so that even things said with the purest of intentions can come across as hurtful, uncaring or out of touch. Instead, validate the grieving person’s feelings and offer to be a listening ear when he or she is ready to talk about the loss.
• “You’ll feel better soon. Don’t worry.”  While it is true that working through grief and pain leads to healing, it’s important to refrain from saying things that might make a grieving person feel pressure or to rush the grieving process. It’s far more helpful to allow him or her the space and time he or she needs to come to terms with the loss and begin to take steps in the grief journey.

Stay close enough to recognize harmful or destructive behaviors.

Because loss and tragedy bring about emotions, thoughts and scenarios that can be overwhelming, some people who are grieving end up resorting to using drugs or alcohol to help numb their pain. Others can begin down a path toward depression as they attempt to bottle up their feelings. You can play a vital role in keeping an extra watchful and caring eye on your loved one, and if you notice any potentially harmful behaviors, be sure to assist your loved one in getting the appropriate help to address those behaviors.