12 Dec Is This the First Holiday Since Your Friend Passed Away?

The title of this blog isn’t a happy one. It’s not easy to say out loud, and it’s not that much easier to type.

But as I sit here today thinking about what I want to share with you about grief during the holidays, my mind turns toward thoughts of a friend from my school years who passed away earlier this month. She was very young–only 42. She was a mom to two young children, a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a friend. It hit really close to home. Her “youngness” became much more real to me when I read her obituary and noticed that the number of family members she leaves behind outnumbered those who preceded her by more than 3 to 1.

She spent the last months of her life living every day to its fullest. She had suffered an aneurysm and stroke months before and had worked tirelessly to recover. God granted her a miracle and that 2% chance of recovery became closer to 100% for her. And one thing that stuck with her for the remainder of her days was the intention to see value in every day, every experience, every opportunity, everyone. And when she passed away, I’m confident she did so in complete peace.

But peace can be difficult to find for those who are left behind because of her passing, especially at this time of year. Perhaps you’ve experienced the loss of a friend and the upcoming holiday is the first one you’ll celebrate without him or her. You know enough to understand that nothing will take away all the pain you may be feeling, but if I told you there were things you could do to make that pain more manageable and even more productive, would you want to know what those things are?

I thought you might.

So here are a few ideas to try during this season that might make the holidays a little easier, especially if this is your first holiday without your cherished friend. Try one of them or all of them, and be sure to put your own personal spin on them so that they are meaningful to you.

Accept not having the answers to all your questions

Credit: Pixabay

Before you can begin to approach the holidays, you’ll need to make peace with a few things personally. Part of those things are unanswered questions you may have about your friend’s passing. One of the most common questions asked by those who’ve lost someone is “Why?” Have you been asking why? Why did this happen? Why did he have to pass away? Why didn’t I have more time with her?

These questions can fill our minds after the death of a friend, and though we want to know why, over time, we have to learn to accept the fact that there are some questions for which we may never get answers. On first thought, knowing this might make you feel sad. But from a different perspective, knowing that those answers are probably not to be found, you can rest knowing that you don’t have to force yourself to find those answers. It can take some time. And if you just recently experienced a loss, you understandably haven’t had time to get to that acceptance. If this is your scenario, make the decision instead to set aside those questions for now–giving yourself permission to not ask them right now–and then picking them back up after the holidays. This is healthy and doesn’t in any way mean you’re forgetting your friend. Instead, it is simply allowing yourself to walk along your grief journey one step at a time. Instead, you can choose to put aside those questions for now and pick them back up after the holidays. Remember that grief and the healing that comes from it–though largely universal–are extremely personal.

Begin a Memory Journal

Are you sometimes worried that you might forget a special memory you have of your friend. During this time of year, it can be very busy and at times, chaotic even, and that can sometimes affect our memory.

And while it’s not probable that you would completely forget events, experiences and occasions you enjoyed together, it is true that over time, our recall of details and our ability to remember the little things may change. Starting a memory journal can help you remember those details. Journal in a simple lined spiral, on a notepad, in your notes app on your phone (just be sure your phone constantly uploads to the cloud so you have a back-up) or on your iPad or computer (again, be sure to have a back-up system in place). The important thing is to keep your entries together in a special place where you won’t forget them or lose them.

Credit: Plush Design Studio

Let your memory journal largely be for you. But if your friend left behind young children, you might include memories you’d like to share with them to help them understand and remember who their mother or father was. Each time you recall an experience you and your friend had or an inside joke you shared, write it down. When you remember poignant words and words of wisdom your friend shared with you, write that down. Is this holiday season bringing back memories of past holidays with your friend? Journal about those holiday memories. Write down/journal about everything you remember. You might be surprised at the memories you’ll have that you haven’t recalled in a long time. That often happens when someone passes away–their passing brings back memories we might not have thought about in years.

When you are writing, be sure to include as many details as possible. Include dates, days and times, what the weather was like on that day, the thoughts and feelings you remember having during that time, etc. If you remember, write about the clothes you both wore. You can be as detailed as you want to be. The more detailed you are, the more vivid the memory can remain in the coming days, months and years. And if you don’t have those kinds of details in your memory bank, just journal what you do remember. You’ll thank yourself later.

Write a letter or Christmas card to your friend

This might sound disillusioned, so follow along with me for just a moment.

Writing a letter can be therapeutic, just like journaling. But since a letter is addressed to a specific person–in this case, the friend that you’ve lost–it is more personal. The idea behind writing a Christmas card or letter to your friend who has passed away is contact, more than communication or closure. Be as familiar and comfortable with your letter as you were with any other communication you used to have between you and your friend such as texts, e-mail messages, letters or cards.

• Tell her about a Christmas memory you have that includes her.
• Tell him how much you miss him.
• Tell her about something someone else shared with you about your friend since she passed away.
• Tell him what you appreciate most about him and your friendship.
• Tell her about your plans for the holidays, and if those plans are difficult this year, share that with her too.
• Share your current feelings.

Writing a letter or card to your friend–though she isn’t there to receive it–has a healing property to it in that it gives you an outlet, a way to share your feelings, to feel like you’ve gotten to say what you wanted to say. Then you can then save it to your notes app or your computer’s hard drive. If your letter or card is hand-written, you can choose to seal it in an envelope and keep it in a special place. Maybe you want to share it with someone else. You can keep it in your memory journal. You can even attach it to a balloon filled with helium, release the balloon and watch it disappear into the clouds or you can choose to burn the letter if that is meaningful to you.

Credit: TopTenz

Surround yourself with a supportive group of friends and family this holiday season

Having a supportive, compassionate group of people around you is important during every part of your grief and healing journey, but this can be even more important during the holidays when our emotions–negative and positive ones–can go into overdrive. Don’t allow yourself too much time alone with your thoughts if they are bringing you pain and misery.

Credit: Helena Lopes

Though you may need some alone time here and there, make sure that you aren’t alone if your emotions are controlling you or if they make you feel overwhelmed or uneasy. Call someone in your network of supportive friends and family and share your thoughts and feelings over the phone. You may want to plan to go visit that person or invite him or her to your home. It is during these times that the love and support of our friends and family are most needed and most comforting.

Take care of you

Often during the early stages of the grief cycle, those dealing with a loss can neglect self-care, but caring for yourself is more important now than ever. It is essential to your well-being and to your ability to grieve effectively and with purpose.

Credit: WordPress

Think back on your relationship with your friend. Surely one of the things you’ll remember is that your friend cared about you and more than likely encouraged you to be your best you. Don’t let that go by the wayside now that she’s gone. She would want you to continue to be the best you can be, to continue taking care of yourself.

Think about the wisdom you gained from your friend, and try to remember what your friend helped you to learn about yourself. And then honor your friend’s memory by continuing to learn about yourself, to fine-tune yourself. And most definitely, be sure to take care of yourself in every other way–physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

“Self care is not selfish; you cannot serve from an empty vessel.” -Eleanor Brown

The first holidays without your friend can be difficult, but they aren’t impossible. See which of these things brings you the most comfort and then make it your own. You might just be able to find a piece of the joy of the season in spite of your loss and your grief. Happy holidays to you and yours.