19 Dec The Truth About Grief

Have you experienced a loss that you never saw coming? Do you live daily with only memories of a loved one who passed away unexpectedly or at a young age?

I experienced a loss that I never saw coming. I couldn’t have known how that loss would affect me. And I was surprised by how many people were uncomfortable talking about loss, about grief–those unpleasantries of life.

Strangely enough, for all the differences we humans have, we have so much in common. Grief is one of those ties that bind. We all have joys and triumphs—days and seasons in life when there’s so much wind in our sails, we could scour all four oceans in a day! And then we have those trials—the times when there aren’t enough smiles to coax our own lips into forming one.

Credit: FamilyDoctor.org

And because we all experience both the ups and the downs, I wondered why it was so difficult for some people to talk about the downs. Maybe it’s because we believe that not talking about them means they have less power over us. Maybe sweeping them under the rug makes them disappear. Or so we think sometimes, as we pour over our sorrows, wondering what will make them better, what will take away their power, what will make us feel better.

It was for this reason—and a few others—that over the years, I began to purpose in my own heart and mind to do my very best in being real with others when they were hurting, to be truthful and be available when someone I knew faced sorrow or loss. I decided I would be the honesty some people so desperately crave during those trials of loss and grief. I would try hard to be the friend that would stay and listen. I would help someone else find her voice again, her joy again, her hope again.

Not because I have all the answers, but because I’ve been there, and I know enough to understand that we all have either been down that path before, or we will one day don the same pair of shoes. At one time or another, each of us has experienced something less than joyful, less than hopeful, less than pleasant in our lives.

If you’re grieving the loss of someone today, if you can’t find the sun on even the sunniest of days, if your heart hurts when you think it should feel good, know that all hope is not lost. It is never lost. So long as you have breath in your lungs and blood in your veins, you also have the promise of hope and the prospect of regaining your joy. It starts by being real about your loss, your sorrow, your grief and by realizing the following things:

• That there are no magic quick-fixes. 
• That no two journeys are the same, but that you can find comfort in simply knowing you’re ok, you’re normal, and yes, you really will find your joy again, that God has not left you, and He hasn’t forgotten you.
• That grief hurts in an inexplicable way, at an unfathomable level, for an unknown amount of time. It can bring about pain that is indescribable by those who have not yet experienced it.
• That sometimes, meaning well, others will tell you that grief only lasts a specified amount of time. But know that grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience, and your season is your season.
• That bitterness makes an easy target of someone enveloped in her grief. She is wise to guard her heart and her mind.
• That those painful “wonder-whats” that surface along every stretch of the grief journey are ok.

Credit: Pond5

• That those “wonder-whats” and “wonder-whys”, coupled with intermittent anger, are normal and that you are not wrong for having them.
• That, as angry as it might make you when someone tells you so, time really does heal. It is God who heals us over time on this journey if we allow Him to do so.
• That your grief is a lot of things—none of them being easy, avoidable or pointless. Quite the contrary becomes evident as we take the painful steps in our necessary journeys. This journey is one of the most difficult rites of passage that we must endure as a part of loss. But guess what? It will lead to our healing and our joy again!
• That even the cursed sun has no regard for people who are grieving. He is so insensitive to our sadness and mourning, that he seems to mock our pain by rising, without fail, every day of our grief journey. Just like always. But later in our journeys, we realize the peace that the rising sun can bring, as we begin to see the value of normalcy and routine in helping us to make progress in our grief.
• That no matter what you’re feeling, you’re ok. You’re normal. You do not need to feel guilty for your feelings. There is no shame in being honest about your feelings and your struggles. To deny yourself that or to judge yourself for your feelings is to halt progression in your healing. Don’t do that to yourself.
• That whether it seems so or not, that God has a sovereign, intentional, purposed plan and will for the life of each of His children. He truly is in control of everything. That’s a promise. And a guarantee.
• That the aforementioned plan and will of God do not require our approval or permission.
• That you will feel good again. Yes, you will. You will rise up from this. You will be ok. You will laugh again. You will make it. You will triumph.
• That GOD HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU, but it’s normal to feel like He has. He knows you’re hurting. And He cares. The people who care about you have not forgotten you either. You’re not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes. I promise.
• That you will find your joy again. And it will be a joy unlike any other. And your walk through the valley of grief will render you qualified to help someone else on her journey—simply because you’ve been there, you’ve walked through it, and you came out on the other side. Oh, yes you did. And they will too.

Credit: BetaNews

Grief, though a universal process humans experience as part of a loss of someone, is enormously personal. The way grief manifests itself within one person can vary wildly from how grief manifests itself in someone else. The truth is that grief doesn’t go by a clock. It isn’t bound by our need to process our loss quickly so that the pain becomes more bearable as soon as possible. But rushing it isn’t the answer. In fact, grief simply can’t be rushed.

Allowing ourselves to grieve–to feel our loss and the emotions and thoughts that come with it–is key. You may have heard the children’s story years ago that teaches “you can’t go over it; you can’t go under it; you’ve got to go through it.” That adage applies to the grieving process. As painful as it is, grief serves a purpose. And allowing yourself to go through the process makes healing possible. Remember that feelings lead to healing, as long as you allow yourself to feel those feelings, process them, and learn to work through them.

If you’re struggling with the grieving process, or if you feel “stuck” in your grief, it is important to know that resources are available to help you. The compassionate team at CarePlus Hospice can help connect you with resources to help you process your grief in healthy ways. Call us today at (972) 243-3033 and let us help you.