16 Jan Unhealthy Coping Behaviors Can Actually Prolong the Pain of Grieving

Grief is simultaneously a universal experience and one of the most intimately personal experiences we endure in life.

And because the grieving process and journey are so unique, it is vitally important that those experiencing a loss allow themselves to be individual in experiencing and working through their grief. Things like journaling, talking to a professional counselor, attending memorial events and finding ways to honor our loved ones during the holidays are just some of the positive coping skills that can help us walk through our grief so that we can eventually come out on the other end stronger, more refined and more resilient.

There are some behaviors, however, that can, when incorporated into the grieving process, prove detrimental to our progress and even prolong the grief process so that we find it difficult to make any headway along the journey over time. This is often called “negative coping” and can lead to a scenario called incomplete grieving.

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Negative coping describes any behavior used as a quick fix to avoid situations that bring about painful emotions. These types of behaviors and practices offer only a momentary distraction from our grief–distractions that grant us temporary relief from the emotional pain associated with our loss. And while these negative coping skills offer short-term relief from our emotional pain, they offer little to no benefit in the way of actual healing. These behaviors only temporarily numb the emotional pain, but like the pain relief that comes from a dose of Tylenol or Advil, the numbing sensation fades and the pain reappears. Because these kinds of behaviors keep us from processing our true emotions, they can also prolong the pain of grieving by elongating the process through which the bereaved must traverse.

What kinds of behaviors can be considered negative coping skills? Let’s take a look.

Attempting to numb the pain of grief with drugs and alcohol

It’s not uncommon to be overwhelmed with grief from time to time along the journey. That overwhelming feeling can make it easy to look for ways to numb the pain. Occasionally, those dealing with loss choose to use drugs and alcohol to lessen their emotional pain and help them forget their struggles. Sometimes grieving people will use hard illegal drugs, though some people who are grieving can even become ensnared by the lure of over-the-counter medications so they become drowsy and are able to fall to sleep quickly at night. But this practice can lead to dependency, addiction and worse.

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An occasional drink here and there is usually harmless for most people. But if you are dealing with the loss of someone and find that you are drinking more alcohol or drinking more often in an effort to numb the pain of grief, it’s important to identify that behavior as a negative coping skill and seek help in developing healthy coping skills.

Complete avoidance of people and situations

Grief can sometimes make us less interested in things we usually enjoy. It can make us less at ease being around people at times, especially in the beginning of our journeys. But the tendency to completely avoid situations or other people can be a destructive and unhealthy coping skill. Perhaps your loved one enjoyed going to the movies and you have fond memories of being with him or her in the theater. Your grief may initially make it difficult for you to visit the same movie cinema without your loved one. But if you find yourself avoiding all movies at any theater and perhaps even at home, you may be exhibiting some unhealthy coping skills.

Avoidance is not uncommon during the grief journey. Because certain things remind of us our loved ones and that they are no longer with us, it can be hard for us to want to do those things sometimes. We may have days when we don’t want to be asked how we’re doing or whether we need anything from anyone, and on those days, it may be easier for us to keep to ourselves instead of engaging with others, and that’s understandable. But if we find ourselves avoiding people a majority of the time, this can also be unhealthy.

Doing things to an excess

Every facet of our lives requires balance–perhaps not a perfect 50/50 balance in every scenario, but balance nonetheless. Most things in life require that balance–not too much, not too little. For example, my mother used to say “relationships are like plants; they need certain things to help them grow, but it is possible to over-water the plant and destroy it.” Balance is so important.

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It’s vitally important to seek a semblance of balance even in our grief journeys. Early in the journey, finding balance is usually difficult. There’s a balancing act between keeping up with your daily responsibilities–work, school, etc.–and beginning to process the feelings you’re experiencing as part of your grief. And there’s another balancing act that takes place within the grief itself. The feelings associated with the loss of a loved one are normal, even if they seem strange to us at times. But if we attempt to push away those feelings by doing other things in excess, we might actually be prolonging our grieving process.

Some people deal with their grief by spending all their time at the office. Diving deep into their work can often replace–at least temporarily–the pain they’re feeling with the stresses, deadlines and demands of their jobs. Others may become completely obsessed with caring for their children–to the point they neglect their own self-care and responsibilities and even begin to obstruct their children’s development with their obsessive behaviors. Other obsessive behaviors can include, as mentioned above, the use of drugs and alcohol, both of which can lead to disastrous results as well.

If you find yourself exhibiting any of these behaviors, it can be helpful to talk with someone about your feelings–a trusted friend, a pastor, a church elder, a licensed counselor. It’s always a good idea to allow yourself to feel and experience your emotions related to your loss, even though they can be painful. Trying to hide our feelings, suppress them or pretend that the death didn’t occur can leave us in a place where our grieving process becomes stalled or sidetracked. This is called “incomplete grief.” Talking with a counselor or therapist can help you get back on track so you can continue to work through the grieving process toward better days.

So much of what we’ve shared here goes back to the old adage: “You can’t go over it; you can’t go under it; you’ve got to go through it.” This is very true of the grief process. Actually going through the process, experiencing the journey and working through the emotions associated with the pain of our journeys are what bring about true healing.