11 Nov “What is grief” and other common questions about the grieving process
At one time or another, we have all experienced loss. And even if we haven’t experienced it yet, we will almost certainly experience it at some point in the future. Because loss is something experienced by everyone, the grieving process is universal. But for every way in which grieving is universal, it is uniquely personal. The process by which two people grieve loss is by no means experienced or exhibited in the same way. The grieving process is a journey—a journey that may take one person months to work through, and another person years to work through. Though that journey is a very personal one, there are some common questions people ask about loss, grief and mourning. The following questions are some of the ones most often asked by people who are grieving. As you read through them, it is important to remember that your journey is yours alone, and the answers provided here are merely guidelines to help you make sense of what can sometimes be a very challenging and confusing experience.
What is grief?
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Grief is a normal emotional response to a loss—often the loss of a loved one. The word grief comes from the Latin word gravis, which means “heavy.” Grief encompasses the thoughts and feelings someone has when he is dealing with the loss of a loved one. Grief can range from subtle feelings and remembrances that make us sad because they cannot be experienced anymore, to strong, sometimes overwhelming feelings of extreme sadness, depression and even anger.
Though grief is an emotional response to loss, it is important to note that it can also cause physical symptoms. Fatigue, nausea, loss of appetite, a surge in appetite, headaches and other physical symptoms may accompany the emotions of grief. If you experience these physical symptoms and they become unmanageable, are bothersome to you or do not subside, be sure to talk to your doctor or healthcare provider about them to determine if treatment might be helpful.
Is there a difference between grief and mourning?
People often use the words grief and mourning interchangeably, but there is at least one key difference in the two. Grief is what takes place personally—on the inside—when someone experiences the loss of a loved one. Mourning is the outward response or reaction to that grief.
Grief includes the thoughts and feelings a person has when they lose a loved one to death. It can include the emotions of anger, sadness, despair, fear, guilt and emptiness, among others. A person who is grieving may feel confused or vulnerable at times. He may also feel hopeless or lost and may have fears about the future or about his ability to handle the emotions he’s experiencing.
Mourning involves the things that a person does in response to the feelings he experiences after the loss of a loved one. Examples of mourning include crying and other outward shows of sadness, planning and attending a funeral, participating in religious ceremonies and other actions. Some people wear dark colors in the days after a loved one passes away as a symbol of their mourning.
Grief is the natural response we feel when we experience loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to have those feelings—even if they don’t make sense to us. It is also important that we allow ourselves to mourn in ways that are meaningful to us. Mourning is the process by which we are able to deal with our grief and eventually come to accept the loss of someone near to us.
My loved one has passed away. What should I be feeling?
When someone we love and care about passes away, it can be hard to understand the feelings we are experiencing. Sometimes we might even wonder what we are supposed to be feeling. We might experience feelings we haven’t experienced before, and that can be confusing. No matter what those feelings are, they are part of the natural response to the loss we feel, even if they are difficult to describe and understand.
No one can tell you what you should or should not be feeling. Grief is experienced in different ways by different people. The grieving process is a journey, and no two journeys look exactly alike, even if they have similarities. For example, two adults—a brother and sister—who are grieving the loss of their mother will experience different feelings at different times and with differing intensities—even though they are grieving the loss of the same person.
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It is safe to say that whatever you are feeling is what you should be feeling. If your feelings are concerning to you, it is important that you reach out to someone and talk through your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend, another family member, a minister at your church or a counselor. Grief can be a difficult and unfamiliar journey, and no one should feel that they must work through it alone.
Are my feelings normal?
Because grief is a normal, natural response to loss, the feelings you’re experiencing are normal as well. If your feelings overwhelm you or concern you, speak to a friend, a minister or a counselor who can help you to process your feelings in healthy ways. Suppressing your feeling can hinder the natural healing process brought about by grieving, so be sure you give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling. Remind yourself daily that feelings lead to healing.
Is there any way to avoid the grieving process?
Because the grieving process is a natural response to loss, it is usually unavoidable. But it’s important to know that the grieving process does serve a purpose—it helps us to move from our initial feelings of denial and shock after the loss of a loved one to an acceptance of the loss. Being able to come to terms with loss enables us to continue moving forward in life, even though that means moving forward without our loved one with us. Remember that even though it’s usually impossible to skip the grieving process, there are resources that can help you to make the most of the process and to move through it in healthy ways.
What are the five stages of grief?
No two people will experience grief in exactly the same way. But years of research conducted by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross led the Swiss-American psychiatrist to identify five distinct stages that are part of the grieving process—also called the grief cycle—which are widely accepted as the stages largely experienced by most people who are faced with the loss of a loved one. Those stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
During the first stage of denial, we are in shock and find it hard to believe that our loved one is gone. In the second stage of anger, we may experience mild, moderate or intense feelings of anger toward doctors, family members, friends and even toward the person we lost or toward God.
During the third stage of the grieving cycle—bargaining—we often express the yearning for our loved one by making promises or commitments to ourselves and to God in exchange for being able to wake up and find that our loss was just a bad dream. Bargaining can also include feelings of guilt for not being able to save our loved one from death.
During the fourth stage of the grieving process—depression—our pain and feelings of loss reach to the deepest parts of ourselves, and we become depressed about the fact that the loss occurred, that there was nothing we could do to stop it and that even though we must go on with life, that we must do so without our loved one.
The fifth and final stage of grief is acceptance. Acceptance isn’t about being okay with the loss. Rather, it has to do with beginning to accept that our loved one is physically gone, and that life will be different because of that person’s absence. Acceptance involves our ability to keep going, to begin to enjoy life again and to have “good days” again. Once we begin to accept our loss, healing can truly take hold and we can slowly get back to a sense of normalcy in life, even though it is a new normal.
How long does it take to go through the five stages of grief?
Even though most people go through the five stages of grief after the loss of a loved one, the amount of time spent in each stage varies from person to person and from scenario to scenario. There are no guidelines for how much time we are to spend in each stage; nor are there restrictions about time spent. The grieving process is deeply personal and as such, it is experienced differently from one person to the next. People may spend days in one stage and months in another. The grief cycle isn’t a perfect roadmap; it’s merely a guide by which we can understand the grieving process we are experiencing.
It is important to note that though there are five stages of grief, we don’t experience them in a perfect order, moving on to the next stage after completing the previous one. In fact, people often move in and out of multiple stages of grief in one day. For example, you may find yourself in the bargaining stage of grief, but resort to feelings of shock and disbelief that characterize the first stage of grief that encompasses feelings of denial.
Do children experience grief?
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Yes. Author and grief counselor David Kessler says that if children are old enough to love someone, they are also old enough to grieve the loss of that person. Because children are capable of loving others and bonding with them, they are also capable of grieving the loss of someone close to them. It’s important to validate a child’s feelings and to allow them the same respect in grieving that is afforded to adults. It’s also important to be honest with a child about the death of a loved one, instead of attempting to soften the shock by suggesting that a loved one is simply gone or has moved away. The sooner a child can begin to work through his grief about the loss of a loved one, the sooner he can be on his way to healing and learning to adjust to his “new normal” as well.
When does the grieving process end?
Sometimes people mistakenly assume that the grieving process ends after the last stage of the grief cycle is experienced. In reality, however, most people who have experienced the loss of a loved one admit that the grieving process doesn’t ever completely end. Instead, the loss of a loved one becomes easier to adjust to over time. It becomes easier to live with as time passes. Most people will always have a place in their hearts for the loved one they lost, as well as a place in their minds in which memories of that loved one will always reside.
Will I always feel this way?
The grief we feel after the loss of a loved one can be overwhelming. There can be days when it feels like we will never smile again, that we will never laugh again, that we will never be ok again. Those feelings come from a sense of despair we feel as we begin to realize that our loved one has indeed passed away and is not coming back to us.
Despair can make the grieving process seem endless. It is normal for us to wonder if we will always feel the way we do when we are mourning the loss of a loved one. And while it’s true that we will always miss that person and look back on fond times together with a longing for it to be that way again, it’s also true that those feelings of despair don’t last forever.
It can be frustrating to hear people tell us that “time heals,” but truer words were never spoken about grief. Time really does make our loss easier to deal with, easier to process and easier to live with. The key is giving ourselves that time to grieve. Forcing ourselves to rush through the grieving process can be emotionally unhealthy. Our feelings are there—whether we are honest about them or not. Our feelings are there—whether we allow ourselves to fully experience them or simply sweep them under the rug. The fact that our feelings are real means that rushing through the grief cycle will most likely not bring about progress, growth and healing. Not dealing with our true feelings early on can actually interfere with the natural healing process we so desperately need to work through.
So even if it seems like you’ll never feel good again, know that it won’t always be like it is right now. In the same way that the darkness of night doesn’t last forever and eventually gives way to daylight, the desperate feelings associated with loss won’t stay with us forever.
I’m really struggling with the loss of my loved one. What resources are available to help me?
You know yourself better than anyone else. And although grieving is a natural, normal and necessary experience in response to the loss of a loved one, there can be times when our feelings are so overwhelming, they almost feel like they will overtake us. Even that feeling is common. But if you feel that you are struggling in trying to process the loss of your loved one, or if you wonder whether you are stuck in the grief cycle and not making progress, it’s helpful to know that there are resources available that can help you keep going in the right direction.
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There are support groups—sometimes called bereavement groups—that create a safe place for people to talk about their feelings after the loss of a loved one. These groups are often facilitated by local hospitals, counseling centers and churches. It can often help to see that other people are dealing with similar issues and feelings.
Many hospice agencies also offer support groups. If you feel you could benefit from talking with someone about your feelings, reach out to a member of your church or call CarePlus Hospice and ask to speak with our bereavement coordinator. Bereavement care is part of the comprehensive hospice care plan and extends to the loved ones of the patient for up to 13 months after the patient passes away. We want to help you through this difficult time.
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